The Menfolk Watch P&P… | guest post from Leigh Dreyer!

Today’s post comes from the a man and teenage boy (possibly as stand-ins for the men in many a Janeite’s life?), courtesy of Leigh Dreyer, author of The Best Laid Flight Plans: A Modern Pride & Prejudice Variation. And it. Is. Hilarious. 

Grab yourself some popcorn and enjoy! And keep an eye out for more from Leigh during AIA!

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In celebration of Austen in August, I made my pilot husband (A) and sixteen year old teenage brother (C) watch the 2005 Pride and Prejudice and wrote down the things they said. These are the un-edited nuggets of male wit and wisdom. I hope you laugh as much reading them as much as I did listening to and writing them! I edited a bit for clarity, but for the most part, these are written exactly as they were spoken.

A: Do we have to watch the whole thing?
C: What are we doing?
A: If we aren’t paying attention, you have the right to veto us [they were trying to also play Civilization, a computer game, at the same time…groan]
A: Which one is this? The short one. I don’t know what that means.

A: The sun is pretty blinding
A: No offense to Keira Knightley, because I grew up with the A&E version, I don’t think she does a very good job
C: Is that Keira Knightley? Looks like Wynona Rider
C: Aren’t they supposed to be rich? Why is their house so run down?
A: Jane reminds me of the younger girl off of the original Jurassic Park. The fiancé or wife of Mr. Grant? She reminds me of her
C: So, why does the blonde one have all the clothes?

A: It’s got to smell so bad in there
C: Yeah, but they wouldn’t notice it, they were adjusted to that smell
A: Dude, a smells a smell man.
C: Darcy needs a better haircut, that’s all I’m saying. He looks like he’s been making his own hair decisions for the last six years
A: Why is everyone bowing to them?
C: Because he’s rich.

A: Whatever the girls name and Mr. Darcy, I would never be their friend. That level of not caring is too much. Bingley, though, I’d be friends with Bingley.
A: I wish people still got so excited about officers showing up to events. Cause, let me tell you, as an officer, I never get any respect. That was one thing I was really frustrated about in college
C: Look at his haircut though, it’s like going over in the back and he’s dressed in a funeral tuxedo. So he’s a jerk, rich, and he has bad fashion. Who cares about this guy?

C: Why are they hiding under the bleachers? Why are there bleachers???
A: Here’s the thing, not three minutes earlier she was doing the same thing to all the guys. Judging them all blah blah blah and now she’s upset when they are doing it to her
C: So what’s his face—Ron Weasley—he actually looks good. Darcy though, looks like a hobo they put in a tuxedo.
A: I’ve never liked the mom. Mom has zero tact. Zero tact!

C: Why are they sharing a bed and hiding under the sheet
A: Because they are sisters and share a bed. Also, they have pillow fights in lingerie in the middle of the night.
C: Now Darcy is just staring out of the window, standing there creepy because he wants to be Batman.
C: I like the maid with the pancakes
A: I know you explained it before honey, but the significance of the dancing is lost on me. I don’t get it.

A: So they just leave their clothes in the rain? I would have brought all my clothes inside.
C: Is she drying her hair with a towel or a pillowcase?
A: I will say her mom, while tactless, is really strategic. She thinks really far in advance, very cause and effect.
A: Word of advice to all the catty women: degrading or putting down another female in the presence of another guy does not work. Does not work at all.
C: Makes you sound like a jerk
A: Makes you sound like a b-word. Especially if you have a crush on the other girl. It just makes you like her more. Word to the wise, just stop.

C: If they aren’t going to talk about the pig, I really want to know why they had to do a full camera shot of the pig’s balls.
 [Edit from Misty: Asking the real questions now!]

A: See, I really wanna know why we don’t do this anymore, look we get a whole parade. Now everyone’s like “You baby killers!” Well, fine, nobody is protecting you.
C: Hahaha they kicked your handkerchief. Serves you right cause you’re fourteen!

A: That girl [Caroline] is dense. How much does he have to shut her down? They always hang out so she must get shot down all the time.
C: Wait, why is Bingley so dumb?
C: Why is Elizabeth going off with the red-headed b-word?
A: I should just start going on walks around the room. I gotta try that.
C: That’s why you walk around the room, to show off your butt.
A: Girls still do it these days. They don’t call it the walk around, it’s the bend and snap.
A: Darcy’s a man of principle, gotta give him that.
A: The other reason she wanted to walk around it’s the whole pretty not pretty thing, like when pretty girls take pictures with ugly girls. What they don’t understand is that always backfires.

A: What’s her name on the far right? [Mary] She’s the gothic.
C: If Bingley is a guy of such high repute, why is he slouching off in the corner?
A: Man if looks could kill. She’s [Caroline] is just throwing daggers.
C: So long Batman!
A: What?
C: He’s Bruce Wayne, man. He’s trying to be all dark and brooding.

A: He [Collins] looks familiar
A: Potatoes! Fun fact: they come from America
C: Is he really socially awkward? Cause, man… he is not doing well. Also, doesn’t he marry one of these girls? They’re cousins. That’s disgusting.
A: Welcome to Britain. It’s this and bad teeth.
A: An hour or two?!? Geez, that’s a long time to read.
C: I don’t think Mr. Collins has a lot of friends. I think that’s why he knows that old lady who lives next to him really well.
C: This guy, also needed a better haircut. The mullet thing in the back? Not good.
A: It’s good, its fashion
C: No Ron Weasley, what’s his name Bringley? Brinley? Bing? He’s the only guy with a good haircut.

A: He looks like Orlando Bloom almost, off of Pirates of the Caribbean
C: He does kind of look like Orlando Bloom, however, he does need to shave his little mustache.
A: And get rid of the sky blue ribbon in his hair.
C: Isn’t this the guy that makes the daughters all look like sluts?
A: Yeah, he’s the villain.
C: Wait, the second the other guy shows up he just rides off into the distance?
A: No there’s a backstory
C: What is it?
A: You’ll find out.
[Here I was talking about something else]
C: Hey, I’m listening to the back story, back off.
C: What’s a rectory? [I explain] I don’t think this guy should ever become a priest. What a real d-bag for thinking that Darcy’s dad liked him more. Go screw yourself dude.
C: Why are these fourteen year old girls putting on clothes?
A: You know what they should do, have a book from the perspective of the servants
Me: They do, it’s called Longbourn
A: Well…
C: It’s called JAFF! It’s what she writes!

C: Dude, Collins is short.
A: He’s definitely on the Asperger spectrum
C: Whoa! He [Darcy] just came up behind her like creepy Batman then walked away.
A: Awkward bow. Creeper bow.
C: He also doesn’t really make eye contact
A: All he makes is eye contact. It’s like oh my gosh.
C: I like his nostril flare. All I imagine is just hot breath coming out is nostrils onto other people’s shoulders.
A: Little too bold buddy.
C: Thanks creepy!
A: I will say, Darcy has a good walk. He has like a gentlemen’s walk.
C: There he is! Collins! He’s like a little raccoon just creeping around.

A: I know there has to be something there, but the significance of a man asking a woman to dance is lost on me.
C: Is it important?
A: Could you just imagine all the gossip going on at these things? Or are they breaking protocol by talking? Are you supposed to talk while you dance? Cause everyone can hear them. It’s not like it’s a private thing.
C: I mean it’s a formal dance. People talk at formal dances now.
A: No one is talking, I mean, they can’t cause it’s a movie.
C: They are talking with their eyes. Look at the passion of ponytail number two guy.
A: No that’s just don’t mess up don’t mess up.
C: That’s probably some extra who showed up an hour before the filming and all these actors have been working on it forever.
A: They’re just standing there, does that not piss everyone off???
C: You’re world!
A: Yeah, here’s you and here’s the rest of us.  I mean, I guess he is the richest guy
A: Whoa! It’s just them. I was wondering why he was dancing in a circle all by himself. Awkward.
C: You know of all the red headed actors, Mr. Bingley is doing ok. Look at Ed Sheeran or Rupert Grint. Ed Sheeran has two lazy eyes! He has nothing going for him.
C: Stop playing the piano. You’re being weird. Oh good, she’s going to cry now.
C: Of all things happening in this movie, reaching for the ribbon is the least creepy thing. Look at Collins practically blowing his nose on other people’s backs.
A: Is there an age limit for these things?

C: Whoever this girl is who’s been going around with—
A: It’s her best friend
C: Oh well, I don’t know who that is, but she has to have other friends right?
C: Whoa! Did you see that guy’s forehead?
A: Wait, did Darcy ask her [Caroline] to dance or did she ask him? I thought he didn’t like her.
C: I think he’s obligated.
C: What is that? Is that Jello in a cup?
A: I like that scene [between the dad and Mary] because it shows that the daughters really love their dad. Because he was the one that scolded her, but she fully embraced him. That shows
A: Is it morning? They partied all night long?!?
C: Yeah, that’s how it was during the 1800s. Do mushrooms. Do cocaine. Party all night long
A: I feel sorry for the servants

C: Is that a hangover cure? Why is she putting an egg in the milk? That’s disgusting.
C: We should go get ice cream
C: Does this girl only sit at the piano? She doesn’t sit at the table?
A: I love how people just ignore him [Collins]
C: Elizabeth is not amused. She is not happy.
A: Tell you one thing. I don’t know if its confidence or stupidity, but he just, he’s going for it.
C: He does not pick up that she does not. First of all, there was a horrible “he’s a serial killer look” in his eyes a minute ago.
A: Even though he’s weird, he is nice, because he’s trying to keep the estate in the family. I mean, he’s just trying to get a wife, but he could have gone anywhere, but he’s trying to keep it in the family.
C: See, but when things are important, he doesn’t make eye contact. See, he’s looking at the floor.
A: The guy’s an idiot. Well, it is true, sometimes when girls say no, they mean yes. I mean, girls love to play the chase game.
C: She’s typing everything out! Stop it!
A: Oh hush. Look the mom does it, no get sick! Find the guy!
C: Oh! Piano girl wants you Mr. Collins!
A: Yeah, they should get together, but they never do. Just write a JAFF book about it.
C: He [Mr. Bennet] just really does not care about the bureaucracy of the world.
C: What happens if they kill Collins? Would it just go to the girls? [Me: no, just the next male relative] How many people do they have to kill before they get it?
A: That was like King Solomon wisdom right there. Good job Mr. Bennet.

C: Wait, where is he going? What happened with him?
A: Mean girl realized she was losing, so she pulled her strings to get them to leave.
C: The Parthenon house?
A: Yeah, they have millions of dollars so they can just go wherever they want.
C: So, what the servants just live there until they come back?
A: How big is their walk-in closet? Those dresses are not small, so where do they keep all their clothing?

A: [Charlotte: Not everyone can afford to be romantic] That’s actually really true, it’s sad. For that time period.
C: She’s totally judging
A: It’s also kind of a wakeup call for Elizabeth, because she has these ideals
C: Why is there a random boat?
A: No idea, why is there a boat?
C: And when did these cows get here?
C: Oh, I guess they’re changing seasons or showing time—is that guy doing hookah???
A: She doesn’t change her clothes through the seasons.
C: She doesn’t change that dress, whenever she’s not doing something, she’s in that dress.
C: Yeah, I think he does have like Asperger’s or something.
C: [Charlotte: This parlor is for my own particular use] It’s for my lady things, so Mr. Collins doesn’t get them.
A: What are they called again?
C: A she shed!

C: Is that Downton Abbey?!?
A: Where’s Lord Grantham
C: This is his grandma
C: Whoa whoa whoa Why was she wearing mourning clothes? The daughter? Her, with the glasses!

A: I don’t understand. Why can’t you sit next to your wife? This is how they encourage adultery.
C: She’s like no, my mom’s dead!
C: [in Lady Catherine voice] “What kind of backwoods savages are you???”
A: See, this stuff, I understand that this is supposed to be, like, showing how unorthodox the Bennets are, but to an American, its just like, yeah, whatever. We just don’t have the traditions.
A: Is Darcy posing for a picture??? He would be perfect in today’s selfie generation. Look at him! It’s like an oil painting!
C: Is Mr. Collins her son? Is he a priest? So he’s not celibate?
A: I like how they have her making mistakes on the piano.
A: I can’t live in that kind of culture, just instantly demanding someone because of your status and wealth.

A: Man it takes forever to write a letter.
C: Yeah, cause you’re writing in cursive and cursive sucks.
C: Isn’t that against social rules, just bursting in unannounced?
C: So is he just here? What is he doing? Oh, all right, he’s gone. Bye!
A: He’s on the other end of the spectrum from Mr. Collins.

C: You can do it! You can outrun the rain! Go Go GO!
A: It’s only on one side of the bridge!
C: I told you, he’s like Batman! He comes out of nowhere!
A: Totally how a guy thinks. I understand completely what he’s saying
C: Slap him! Do it!
C: I’m saying no.
A: Yeah, he didn’t mean it that way!
C: What’s propriety? What does that word mean?
A: You know as much as it hurts for her to hear it, he does speak truth. Her sisters were running around like crazy---
C: Yeah because they were a-hole fourteen year olds!
A: They shouldn’t have been there in the first place
A: That’s where he messed up, he definitely shouldn’t have said that.
C: Oh, they aren’t going to kiss?
C: What is that building? An observatory? What is that?
A: It’s the Jefferson memorial, just in England.
[Now there is talk about the video game they have insisted on continuing to play]
A: She’s way too thin.
A: I do like how they show the realism. You know where she’s not perfectly playing the piano. People are sweaty. Their hair isn’t perfect. I do enjoy the director or writer or whoever did that. I really do.
A: Is that him?
C: How did he get in the house?
A: Is she not in her underwear? Why is she not freaking out about it?
A: Again [the letter] speaks huge about his character.
A: [She is to inherit 30,000 pounds] Ooo that’s more than him. That must be hard for a fifteen year old.
C: Why is she hiding the letter? It’s not like it’s a secret.
C: [Jane: I’m over him] No you’re not! Stop lying!
A: Hey! She’s in Downton Abbey! She’s—what’s her face? Matthew’s mom!
C: These fourteen year old girls are wearing corsets trying to get married. Meanwhile her sisters are sitting around reading and sewing. They need to get their things in check.
A: What do you mean by things?
C: Not things. Bad word choice. Life. Get their life in check. Also, the dad needs to start being more confrontational and fixing these daughters.

C: Why is she putting spinach on this cake? Also, why is the lady from Downton Abbey here? Why is she? Tell me [I was laughing so hard, I could not respond]
C: Why is she crying? You can’t cry! You denied a guy!
A: Can you sleepy when you’re already asleep?
C: Is she going to jump off? This is NOT England. There are no random cliffs in England. Jump off! Be a mountain goat!
A: Baa!
C: Hey it’s the Alice in Wonderland tree
A: It’s the Fern Gully tree
C: Who are these people??? [I finally told him]
C: Why did they have that random shot of the elk? Its like the pig ball shot from earlier.
C: Whoa—his house is like the White House, but bigger! Oh my gosh!!! His house is like Potiphar’s house in Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream coat
A: Yeah, she’s all mad at him because he’s rich, but now she she’s it and she’s like this isn’t that bad…
A: Stone sculptures are the highest form of art
C: This is like Edna Mode’s house in the Incredibles
C: I don’t get the sculptures inside, I’d put them outside
C: Why do they always have to be naked? Why can’t you get some clothed one?
C: Is that Mr. Darcy’s head????
C: Look at them cheeks!
A: She must work out
C: Also, that man is so much better that Mr. Darcy. His haircut is so much better. The rat tail doesn’t go down so far in the back and it’s parted more to the side.
C: He’s Batman running around in the dark
A: Now she understands all the stuff he’s giving up for her!

C: Is he playing the piano? Who is playing the piano?
A: Someone better than Elizabeth
C: Oh, it’s Georgiana. Georgiana? How do you pronounce it?
C: Huh, what?
A: Darcy wasn’t supposed to be there and now she’s like “Oh Crap”
C: Look at those sweet boots. I want boots like that.
C: Look he’s not in his black tuxedo anymore, He’s not in Twilight anymore! He’s emerged from Edward the vampire into a beautiful Darcy flower. Also, he needs to get his hair right! Look at it! It’s a mess!
C: I don’t feel like this was filmed in England. Everything seems way larger than what it should be.

C: [Aunt Gardiner: There’s something pleasant about his mouth when he speaks] It’s them young lips! This old farts real nasty, got hepatitis…got cold sores….
A: I wonder if he practices in the mirror for those poses
C: Well, when the only friends you have are a red-headed b word and a red-headed idiot, you don’t have much to do

A: What is going on???
C: Obviously Bingley returned and is down to clown…with the family. Oh, never mind, this sucks   
C: Were duels still a thing? They should murder him. What year was this? [Me: 1812] Oh, yeah, they were still a thing! Andrew Jackson was still dueling and shooting up Indians

A: Take responsibility for your actions mom! You can’t blame everyone for your actions. You’re killing me.
C: Mom’s going to have a heart attack from all the stress
A: I hate the mom!
C: This mom needs to get her priorities in order. She’s the one wanting them to get married, so she does things in the wrong order and now she’s not worried about the rest of her daughters looking like sluts.

A: He [Wickham] dresses well
C: If I was the dad, I would stab this guy. You make my daughters look like sluts, I have to pay you one hundred pounds a year. What’s good about letting you live?
C: Let it be known—is she the youngest or second youngest?
A: Youngest
C: Total b word. She should be disowned. Shoot Wickham
A: This isn’t unheard of.
C: If I was Darcy, hire a hitman. Taken care of—taken care of completely. Nobody can track your finances in 1810 and nobody cares.

A: Oh hey look, there’s Bingley.
A: Poor Mary, oh man.
A: We all do it. We all clean our house and rush to hide everything. We all do it.
C: We gotta fix the hair man.
C: [After a line about the Wickhams moving to Newcastle] Don’t act like you don’t know where that is. England is like the smallest most insignificant country that just took over other countries to become cool.
A: Way to be blunt mom. Back to the mom’s admirable qualities. She knows how to—
C: Sell her daughters?
A: Yeah, but because of that one comment, Jane knows he’s interested in him.
C: She’s not over him, she was never over him. She lied about that.
A: Anyway, because of that one line.
A: Mrs. Bennet is a female Trump! She just says whatever she wants and as soon as it doesn’t go her way its everyone else’s fault. When it goes her way it’s all her!
C: Darcy is being a real jerk. Acting all interested at his own place—
A: He got shot down hardcore. He’s a man of principle, he won’t do anything if she doesn’t want it.
C: Anyways, they reconcile--
A: Yeah, just throw that away like its nothing. They never reconciled
C: Yes they did.
A: No, they didn’t

C: Get out Elizabeth!
C: Look at him. He’s got style. Darcy? Not even.
A: How did that ever start? Taking a knee?
C: One guy had a hurt knee and someone saw it? Maybe it came from bowing down?
A: It’s kind of symbolic though, culturally, the man is greater than the woman, but then he bows down to ask for the woman’s hand in marriage.
C: Look at Darcy walking away all sad. Fix the hair! It’s ratty. It’s greasy. He’s got like a weird rat mane thing. Wispy in the front, chunky in the back. At least he changed out of the death tuxedo.

A: You know, for eavesdropping on all the doors, you’d think they would learn to back away from the door, because they are horrible at that.

C: Isn’t this how the movie started? Walking through this field?
A: It was a rising sun?
C: It is a rising sun.
A: Your mom’s a rising sun.
C: I want more shots of pig balls. That’s what this movie needs. More upclose shots of pig balls. Did you see them earlier? They were like grapefruits.
A: I’ve seen bigger.
C: Is she just walking around the field in her nightgown?
A: That’s why Darcy likes her, cause she just walks around in lingerie.
C: He’s like Batman, he’s just here! She has like an emotional bat signal
A: I don’t know why he’s dressed like this, but I do know that every girl likes this scene, just like that lake scene in the other movie!
A: Look the sun’s rising again! They’re blinded by the night.
C: He’s wearing a button up shirt! There is no reason for those top two buttons to be unbuttoned.
A: The sun is rising, she’s in her lingerie, he’s looking hot. hubba hubba
C: The 40 year old set director is on set like, yeah, this is good material. This is good material right now.

A: Why is it out of all the proposals, this is the only one done appropriately? And good job for the dad, cause he knows that he is potentially talking his daughter out of millions of dollars. The titles and money aren’t important to the dad which I think speaks to his caliber as a father.
C: Then he creates the Hunger Games
A: I had daughters and they did this to me!
C: This is why I created the Hunger Games Katniss!
A: I had five daughters, you don’t know pain!
C: They could have a double wedding where they are at Bingley’s house or at Darcy’s house.
A: You’re so prophetic, just watch.
Me: No, that’s in the other one.
C: Oh, I am prophetic
C: What is this ribbon scarf tied around her hair? Did she sleep with that? She’s like Jo from Little Women. You know, Little Women? Worst book ever? And Amy is like that girl who ran off with Wickham? And what’s her face, oldest daughter, is like Meg. And the weird piano one is like Beth.

A: Whoa, he is ripped! This is male lingerie!
A: How romantic, the first night we’re together we’ll do it on this stone altar.
C: It’s where Aslan was sacrificed!!! When the White Witch kind of petted his fur in that weird seductive way
A: Well, they are both British.
[They then proceeded to read most of the credits, here’s my personal favorite]
C: Tom Hollander!!! He’s Spiderman!
Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed this fun viewing with the two Austen-enjoying men in my house!
~Leigh Dreyer
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www.leighdreyer.com
The Best Laid Flight Plans: https://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_c_1_17?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=the+best+laid+flight+plans&sprefix=the+best+laid+fli%2Caps%2C226&crid=LYVITQRWOPOX